Best Practices: One more fake, googled, copied adieu email.

If you don't want to waste time you can directly jump to the label “Last rites”.Since you are in IT sector you can guess easily what might be coming and what would be the content of this blog. I will not think and write why various types of employees leave various types of organizations . You either leave it or just live it. So slowly , gradually the last day comes , such types of day are all set in heavens not on earth (I mean in your RM’s cabin ), for some mighty people who can buy out even this time , such day might be just 2 weeks away, for others its 30 days, 45 days to 60 days, as per  policies. 

It’s the last day ,by afternoon or evening you are almost done with your few last formalities, have surrendered your beloved ID card , license to kill and now wearing an ordinary temporary employee guest batch, walking around your seat where you would have worked for some time, three years four years…more or less doesn’t make the difference.  

If you are not the last good man leaving the team then fair are chances that your friends will throw a farewell party, greeting card , or a memento, at some rich places(companies) they even give gift cards worth up to 5 to 6K, however exceptions are always possible. Sometimes I feel, they should document this in the offer letter what all would you get at your farewell day based on your level and factors like inflation , of course this shouldn’t come under CTC. Those who haven’t got such treatment at the end can call it funeral not farewell, sorry but no other matching word I could find. I once got a T shirt, L size, which I could never wear after my size increased to XL after leaving their great company. So ‘gift cards’ are the best choice, they have the real visa power. 

Last formal, informal meetings with colleagues happens, shaking of hands, last friendly ,enemyily hugs, relief everywhere, some people record this in their 5mega pixel cameras some just don’t care. By this time you would have already backedup all of your personal emails, documents, belongings, good emails, (how many of us backup bad emails, please raise your hands), few even carry their collected poison, some cynics even make sure that they format their computers twice before they leave, as if the company would get hugely benefited by their telephone e-bills, scanned travel bills or dummy test projects. Truly speaking at least we can give meaningful names to our test projects and leave them as it is for someone’s use. We name them same  from a “Hello world” to a “Sending data via sockets or shared memory using MFC ” we named them Test, Test1, test2 and so on.... God I have so much of non-sense to write…..

Last rites:

What’s the only thing remains now as your last official activity, is your last email to your colleague from office email system. a thanks email to the farewell(if) they organized (it), not just this day but (if) all or any from the day you have joined (coughing….). Al Pacino once said in a movie “Wise men never pay for their drinks”, so on same lines, wise professional never write on their own , they copy smartly, without leaving a trace, they make that  more original than the actual one (manuscript), well that’s different discussion anyways as why do they do it. So, you have already searched your e-mail system for such emails clicking on the “Sort by subject” column, or by using some good keywords which you will not find in other official emails, these are the similar emails sent by others in past on their days , and interestingly they bear the same subject lines, “My Last day @ <>” , “good bye” , “Leaving for meeting again” , “Adieu..” , “Keep in Touch” , “Leaving” etcetera ,etc.

If no one recently sent , Google is the savior , you will get tons of such emails ,links , walk-thorough articles etc. Once done with (re)search shortlist two or three best emails based on criteria like , who sent those email, how recent ,how tenured that person was, how was the response that email received etc, merge them to make one more unique, such email, keep your personal Gmail in CC/BCC, press the Send button wait for some time and then disappear from there with mixed emotions. I’m signing off, my friend Ganesh, is supposed to come near Ulsoor lake, I am going to apply for a "Ration Card" today, Guns speaks Kannada but cannot r/w , we will burn some 2K worth BJN coupons as well.

~bd,

Disclaimer :  not any actually, what I wrote is experience, my intention is not to hurt anyone. Also all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

One more fake, go ogled, copied adieu email.

ALL IS NOT WELL : up in the air

If you are traveling in a plane then you ought to behave decently, at least for some hours, from your arrival to the airport in your departure city till your departure from the airport in your arrival city where, you have always behaved decently didn’t you ? Air travel is different from road travel in every ways . The technical complexities, precision, trainings and skills involved to fly a plane are superb, amaze everyone. Whenever I see any airplane it reminds me of ‘Bernoulli theorem’ which still holds true for the basis of aircraft-wing design, but do we ever get such feelings if we travel in a bus. The skills , complexity , drivers , etiquette in a bus stands nowhere close to a Pilot and airplane.

You don't care about others , about your looks , luggage's look, what you eat , how you speak inside a bus. Buses have hawkers, child hawkers who sell news papers, cold drinks, “Daal”(spicy Indian snack) , salty lemony cucumbers , mongfali (peanuts) world map printed table cloths, cheap gk books on highways. You will find them selling Ayurvedic medicines like tooth powder to strengthen your aging gums , anti vomiting pills if for some reason you don't like the diesel’s smoke smell , even cure for cancer’s is available with these pitchers, whereas here in flights it’s a different scene . they have an expert fleet of trained air hostesses and stewards. They choose their careers because they like to serve you better ,they are not like uneducated hawkers pitching in buses in that wildlife. They are fair tall healthy handsome men and beautiful English speaking ladies. And because they behave decently so are so well paid than their counterparts in Buses. It might appear a strange statement but they too don’t add any value to the society. What does an airhostess add to the plane to the society except glamor. The struggling airlines can employ these bus hawkers instead of expensive fleet ,would surely bring down their operational costs and air ticket fair. For security of passengers which is important , they can employ two air gunmen or air wrestlers , may be from sports background a win-win situation for everyone.

Anyways, my one such experience about decency in BLR to DEL flight when few raw bus mindsets boarded Bangalore’s own Airline. I remember, the plane was stationary, passengers were still coming in and settling down , decently, silently without making any kind of noise. I was surfing the channels available in that 6” small LCD screen TV comfortably on my seat. People in that flight even in the economy class looked decent, well dressed tip-top. At your first glance you could spot, formals wearing IT pros, with their always switched on laptops , even while they walking, and other good people busy with their phones , blackberries, books from business class, doctors, honeymooners, scientists,etc, Wow things mostly appear decent well placed in flights. That's not same in bus or train travel. Who will you find with you in your desi bus, train, yes shopkeepers with tons of bags, retailers, teachers, mechanics, government employees, pickpockets, thieves, policemen ,beggars, villagers , framers and everyon

 

Back in the flight, I heard them talking loud first while they were struggling to find their seats and a minute later while adjusting their bags inside the upside cabinet. I removed my headphone to know who’s shouting. So I saw them, in numbers they were four men, all aged fifty plus, looked rich, healthy size ,dressed casually in half sleeved white cotton shirts with their top two buttons unbuttoned. It was not difficult to guess origin of this spices , they all belonged to Noida, or NCR. One of them asked me in Hindi if the seat number next to mine was his, I nodded “ya” (unfortunately). This person who asked , sat next to me was wearing ½ kg gold chain which was hanging out of his shirt, gold rings , expensive watch and an iphone; his attire was speaking his real class and was indication for everyone to be just remain an observer. He started talking to someone on his iPhone probably this person on the other side couldn’t make and was not coming in the flight; they candidly exchanged abusive words, in hindi, looked like everything was fine, they laughed and hung up. Surprised me thinking, damn they didn’t even bother to cancel the tickets, who are they politicians? Builders? Underworld? I was lost.

Within minutes of their arrival they caught everybody’s attention. The one sitting next to me and other three on the back seat, started cracking jokes in desi Hindi, they laughed like movie villains, as if all their lives they have only lived for this moment and had saved their last laughs. I was not comfortable, not able to focus on to music, their loud noise hitting my eardrums badly, my frustrations touched its high when one of them loudly said “Abey #$%@$ isski height kitni hogi bey ?” (@##@#@ what will be its height? ) Of course they were not talking about the plane’s height. One of them immediately pressed the button to call the Airhostess, she came gave them a beautiful smile and said “What do you want sir? Very polite indeed, they didn’t deserve such smile, I was thinking lamely. They all laughed together and started some stupid meaningless conversation in English; they were all handcuffed in English so they moved to hindi with her. The line which I heard clearly was, “Khaney mein Kya hai ji ? “ (What’s in the food/dinner/menu? Tonight ). “Holly plane”, I almost jumped of my seat as I heard this line, I don’t think if anybody has ever asked this question in such an idiotic, desi way and that too when the boarding had just begun ,plane was still stationary Other passengers started taking notice of them and few were uncomfortable. I think senior citizens Mr.and Mrs. Iyer next to them were badly affected, they must have been thinking to cancel their Agra trip to visit Taj Mahal.

To this question , air hostess replied that we will serve food in another 30 minutes or so, she opened the welcome pouch which every passenger gets for free,had a tiny menu card. The men, all looked satisfied and happy. Something I felt, if they were drunk for sure when I heard their raunchy, lousy very straight offensive remarks about the air hostess that left me stunned, others probably didn't understand their raw hindi and accent, or just ignored like me, I cannot write here what they said and I was surprised with their ages.

Gourmet Dinner up in the Air:

What to do now, my 3 hours seemed to be going in despair. I was scared if they start any such conversation with me and ask for my views , what if they beat me for any reason and any panic happens in plane. No drama till they started serving the food. These crazy 4 were served with non vegetarian food, 1 little piece of chicken tickka masala , 1 tandoori roti , 1 cup of salad, 1 small bowl of steamed white rice, something in sweets and a coffee. Immediately on opening the foiled dinner pack the quadruple went crazy, on seeing the quantity of food was so less. They pressed the bell continuously which the crew ignored because they were still serving the food and their cart had blocked the aisle. The oldest of the four stood up confidently and started calling her “Oh madam ji come on here”, people do this in desi dhabbas, yelling at the waiters mostly on children for their orders. Madam ji turned back and walked to our seat, I mean to theirs seats, old men said, “यो खाना तो बोत कम है जी मेंडम | ऐसा करो ३-३ रोटी और चिकन मसाला और ले आओ जी (this is very less for us , get more Roti and more chicken masala) Madam replied in Hindi , I am sorry sir, we only have very specific quantity of food for every passenger. Old men shouting for their righteous meal (दीखता नहीं के ,इस से भूक मिटजागी ?) don’t you see, is this quantity sufficient ? Seeing this madam ji’s faced turned pale or red, but somehow she managed the moment and said “OK” I will see if we have extra roti , I will bring them for you. Old uncle stopped for a second and shouted at her back again, madam “हमारा एक आदमी आया नहीं जहाज में उस्णी थाली लेआओ , टिकिट बुक है उसका “ one of our friend didn’t come, whose ticket is booked ,so bring us his share of food.Now this drama was being watched by everyone; the old men kept shouting at the crew even after that, they called them cheaters, abused roughly.The crew was obviously worried and very unhappy at this behavior. I thought of saying ,बुढे तेरी माँ है क्या यह जो अभी गरम रोटियां सेक के लायेगी”. Later in the feedback form, I wrote what happened in the flight, I mentioned seat numbers of crazy 4, described the inconveniences it caused to us and demanded an strict action against them. Few suggestions I clearly mentioned.

1. check if the passengers are drunk or if they are first timers in plane.
2. Install a Tandoor in plane, so they can cook more roti on demand.
3. mention the exact food quantity of food on booking ,so no misconception in air.
4. stop the plain in mid air for such passengers; so they can go out for dhabas.

Imagine , air hostess making tandoori roti and chicken masala above 2000 feet, will be exotic and fun; but for sure our flight missed one wrestler or a gunman that day, who could sedate them, good way to avert any mess in sky. By the way no one from airline ever contacted me , I thought would reach me for some appreciations for the feedback. I was actually reading sometime back George Washington’s rules of civility and decent behavior in public life when the thought about these old men came, who broke the rule "Do not laugh too loud or too much at any public spectacle" what do you think ? What I wrote was my real first hand experience, How you behave with others in public really matters irrespective of your wealth and position in society.

~bd

ALL IS NOT WELL

Sometime in mid 2009 I was traveling in Sprite's Bet Airlines from Bangalore to Delhi. You would agree, how wonderful it feels when you go home after months, especially if you don’t work in the same city where your parents live. The house you call home, the city or town you call your home town, you always love to go there, rest are all rented places or your bought accommodations. So like everyone, I was happy, full of thoughts, plans, eager to go home from BLR to Delhi then to Noida by a cab or auto and then to Haridwar by a bus. Two weeks of vacation from office’s madness, wow!

So the day came, and I am inside this Sprite's bet’s plane, sitting with other guests as they call now “guests” not passengers, our plane is waiting for its turn to go the main runway for the take off. Our Pilot’s introduction announcement, about himself, his co pilot, about the crew, air hostesses namely “Sunaina”, “Komal” and “Maria” who were there to make this flight memorable as they all had pledged in their trainings not to leave any stone/cloud unturned in order to make flights comfortable and memorable. I always think why all Air hostesses have such nice artistic names, well for a minute I was lost. Flight took off on time, but as usual the cloudy sky above Bangalore forced us to remain seated with fastened seat belts signals on. After 15 minutes then came captain’s announcement “ladies and gentlemen we are experiencing slightly bad weather please remain at your seats and be careful.” This was the most hilarious announcement I have ever heard in my flying life, when a pilot says please be careful. What does he mean by saying “be careful” up in blue or cloudy sky thousands feet above the ground. Is it a bus? Generally long route bus drivers shout and instructs, don’t take your hands outside, take care of your kid, be careful of pick pockets , take care of your own luggage if you want to. I smiled liked a gentleman, turned my neck towards the fellow passenger for some acknowledgement but he missed it and I too could not decipher the hidden message buried inside this announcement. We cleared the cloudy weather soon and in few minutes that became a normal flight. Sky was clear ,sunny one now, all safety signals including the seat belt signal were switched off.

BLR to DELHI flight generally takes around 2:45 hrs and it too was now looking a normal day in all visible aspects, weather was perfect in Delhi, clear sky, sunny Saturday afternoon were announced. The flight was now perfectly on time; our arrival time in Delhi was now matching with the timings mentioned on the boarding passes. I appreciated the pilot ,the crew and the Airbus. The last five minutes before landing, one more announcement this time by the airhostess who was carrying a plastic smile, blue eyelids, 100gm if not less in weight of red rose over her cheeks, was announcing , “Ladies and gentlemen we will be landing soon , kindly be seated, Sprite's bet appreciate your business, not to use the toilets, switch off the electronic gazettes, etc, etc. We thankfully arrived on time, plane has now started descending in the air, it’s now flying over Delhi’s sky, city and its buildings are clearly visible now, trees roads, Yamuna river, congested colonies , Noida toll bridge, I think I saw that too, then Lord Shiva’s big idol at Mahipalpur’s sky and finally IGI Airport’s run way was visible too.

Perfect, we were ready to touch the land, as if we are coming to the earth from the heavens, believe me I just thought like this. Silently, I thanked the mighty God as well, once again, for a safe air journey. Other than a prayer what else can a guest do after all, sitting in those seats, your situations is like a helpless sheep. At most you can appreciate pilot’s skills, his precision and control, the difficult job to fly such a heavy machine with 100+ human beings on board above 30 thousand feet and for hours. You always believe your pilot, at that time, no questions are raised on their abilities, you cannot do anything else. You cannot protest, you can not say 'please stop the bus I want to get down and I will go by walk', even if the pilot is consuming alcohol inside the cockpit. So, you don’t care to think what might be going on inside the cockpit, you are never bothered what’s happening behind that closed cockpit door. However there are brave men-guests who would adore the air hostess even while takeoff or landing they don’t care about the thrust the plane bears while take off and during the dangerous touch while landing, this class of men feel cheated if they don’t find the air hostesses beautiful as the airlines claimed. And there is one more class of people too , who think that in one such landing or take off their plane would crash and only they will come out alive and will survive. They even listen to the safety and emergency announcements carefully, they make sure if there is safety jacket under their seat or not.

 Back to our landing, few more seconds to go, plane is still flying hasn’t touched the ground yet, still flying above few feet now may be 5 or 6 feet above the runway , very close indeed. Looks like some problem is there, no it cannot happen now, heart says. Shaky !!!! Any time we will touch the runway and that will be okay I felt i guess everyone felt. Our ground speed should be at least 200-300 KM/HR now; this speed has  always thrilled me but not this time. Yes that’s correct, the moment we, our plane’s rear wheels touched the ground it seemed its taking off again, it jumped and then grounded again, it happened at least 3 to 4 times but the gradually decreasing speed was our side, the pilot seemed to have lost his control for some seconds , did he misjudge the runway, I don’t know what happened, but surely it was not a good safe landing, the plane jumped up and down 3-4 times everybody stunned, looking on each other’s faces , thinking what next. First timer might think that’s an okay landing , but no it was the scariest and the dangerous landing, I too have never experienced such thing in my three years of flying to Delhi, I was frightened. The air hostess who was sitting next to the cockpit door, facing towards passengers, was continuously smiling and kept talking to her male colleague meanwhile her guests were jumping up and down she was surely enjoying this adventurous ride. For a moment it appeared to me if she is singing for us in the sinking titanic and her smile means nothing to worry all is well, this is nothing don’t worry kids.

Finally the plane stopped somewhere at runway, everybody forgot what happened after two minute, guests started messing with each other while looking for their cabin bags as if there is some loot going on. The final hilarious moment came again when the captain in his ta-ta announcement said “Sprite's Bet welcomes you at IGI airport, it’s a sunny day outside, once again we appreciate your business and our apologies for this bumpy landing, and this was because of the trainee pilot who is accompanying me in this flight”. With this second announcement I understood the hidden message in his first announcement about "THE TRAINEE PILOT". 

Everybody in the plane smiled at this announcement and wished good luck to the trainee pilot (kidding) and went home without doing anything. Now after 2 years, with the revelation of this Fake Pilot scam, whenever I recall this incident I feel how careless our policies are, how casually the system works in India, from a bus driver to a plane's pilots everyone is making mockery of the system. From fake training schools, fake pilots, fake fruits, vegetables even fake apartments more than two owners for an already sold apartment etc. I still smile whenever I recall this incident which then leaves me thinking now if that trainee pilot was real or fake and how come somebody’s soul on earth allows getting a fake license and that too for a commercial pilot.

Your Guest, ~bd

P.S.
I don’t have any personal issues with Sprite's Bet airlines, but above is my real experience which I've added. I don’t know if there are airlines who have recruited fake pilots knowingly. This article is only to blame the corrupt individuals and just FYI I still travel in Sprite's Bet :). Human names are not real in this above write-up; I just stitched around my real experience with little bit of spice so added some funny dots. All is still well.